Presentation of a Ted Talks video : “Why we should talk with strangers” from Kio Stark (in connection with social and cognitive psychology).

I became interested in this research after watching a TED Talks video. First, a short
presentation of what the TED Talks are. I will explain quicky what is it and how it can allow to take note of uncommom and intersting research. TED means Technology, Entertainment and Design. It is an international event organized by a charity. The aim of this foundation is to speard “ideas worth spreading” I and share them freely on their website. This convention is also known for having received some known personnalities as Bill Clinton, the co-founder of Wikipedia, the Nobel Peace Prize etc.

But, in my opinion, the most interesting thing about those conferences is to discover people that we do not know about and to discover how those creative talkers succeeded in being at this international and famous conference.

I am going to write about one of those people named Kio Stark. If you make some research about her, you will see that she is the author of the book “When strangers meet”, which is forthcoming in this month’s TED Books. So, when I was watching different videos for my presentation, I watched one with a pretty funny title which makes me want to see further. The title was “Why we should talk with strangers”. On a daily bases, Kio Stark writes, teaches and speaks around the world about stranger interaction and this is on february of this year that she decided to present her work on the TED Talks stage.

She started her speech imitating a short talk between two strangers. She said we all have the same way to talk in this situation. We say “hello, how are you?, it’s a beautiful day…” and we know that it seems insignificant but she explained that it also highlights a social meaning. Because for her, those sentences mean “I see you as an individual, a person”. To illustrate this, she talked about an experience that happened to her seven years ago. She said she had felt a beautiful thing with unexpected pleasures and real emotional bonds when studying stranger interaction. She explained one day when she was at home in New York and she was on a corner waiting for the pedestrian light
to switch, and as she was about to cross on the red one, but an old man next to her said “don’t stay here, you may disappear”. So she stepped back on the sidewalk and he smiled to her and said “good, be careful, you never know”.

At first she felt weird about the situation but then she realized it was really wonderful because she said that the man was so warm and so happy because he just saved her. A bond had just been created even if it was sudden because she thought, contrary to other people in the street, her personnality, her story had been noticed by this man.

Unfortunately, she said that today, it seems normal for people to believe that strangers are dangerous by default, and we can not trust them because they may hurt us. All this is because of our need to categorize. We are firstly afraid around strangers because we don’t know their intentions but despite this, she said there are “two benefits of using our senses instead of our fears”. The first one allows us to be more free, to liberate ourselves and to avoid stereotypical categories like male, female, black, white, young, old, strangers or friends. This is actually a reflex of our brain because it is easier and less cognitively expensive.

The second benefit of using our senses is to create an intimacy which is at first sight pretty paradoxical considering a stranger. However, those sudden interactions can create a feeling that researchers call “fleeting intimacy”. They define thus concept as ” a brief experience that has emotionnal resonance and meaning”. She also said “other research have found that people ofte feel more comfrotable being honest and open about their inner selves with strangers”.

Actually, sometimes we can be easier to speak openely with strangers than we do with friends or family. This is explained by the fact that people often feel more understood by strangers. Indeed studies have proved that this need is just as necessary as our friends or family are.

To finish on this part, she said that speaking with a stranger like this is pretty simple for two reasons. The first one is that it is a quick interaction without consequences and it’s also easier to be honest with someone we are never going to see again. The second reason is more interesting for Kio Stark. She said when we are with close people, we think that they will necessary understand us but it is not always right. With stangers we have to be straightforward, we can’t beat around the bush.

Then she explained to us that she wondered: how does it work, how can people put that into pratice ? She realised that there are different rules according to countries and cultures. For example in USA so as France I think, there is a balance to keep between civility and privacy. It is called civil inattention. To understand this concept, you just have to keep this picture in mind : you are walking in the street and far away from you, you see an other personn walking towards you. So at this moment, you are watching each other. This is the civility part. But when you come closer, you look away to respect the private space.

But in other cultures, it could be totaly different because what can be seen in one country can be badly perceived in another and in return. She gives two different examples : “In Danemark people would rather miss their stop on the bus than say excuse me to someone that they need to get around”. In Egypt, you are considered as someone rude if you ignore a stranger because the hospitality is a characteristic of this culture. If you ask for a direction, it is likely that the person invites you for a coffee.

To conclude, according to Kio Stark, speaking with strangers represent some moment
similar to “beautiful interruptions into the expected narrative of your daily life and theirs,  You are making unexpected connexions”. We have to reject preconceived ideas and change our education concerning the way to be with strangers.

Words I have learned :

– to spread : diffuser
– sidewalk : trottoir
– straightforward : simple
– to beat around the bush : tourner autour du pot
– fleeting : fugace/momentané

BRUNET Léa, Master 2 PPCECC.