Announcer (Clarisse – M2 Student)
“The experience of motherhood is neither uniform for the same woman, nor is it experienced in the same way by all women”. In other words, motherhood does not have a single meaning and is not an identical experience for all women in all circumstances, and mothers do not always feel the same way about their children.
On the occasion of the publication of the book “Le mal des mères” written by Stephanie Thomas, we welcome Orna Donath, a sociologist who has conducted a study on maternal regret in Israel. Indeed, this theme of regret for being a mother affects more women than we think. They don’t dare to talk about it out of shame or fear of rejection. What is the psychological impact on these women?
Orna Donath, you conducted a study on 23 Israeli mothers between 2008 and 2011. Can you tell us about it?
Orna Donath (Caroline – M1 Student)
Hello, and thank you for your welcome. And I’m very happy to be able to open up a sensitive subject by telling you about this study.
So I interviewed a total of 28 women between the ages of 25 and 75, all Israeli biological mothers. All of them were voluntary participants in the study and said they regretted having children. They all spoke about the ambivalence of their maternal experience and the major difficulties it causes them. But five of them said that they did not regret becoming mothers, so I conducted the in-depth interviews with 23 women.
Announcer
You mention the concept of “regret”, more commonly, we often talk about regret concerning educational practices, the fact of having been too strict with one’s child, for example, or even of not having spent enough time with it. But regret about becoming a parent does exist, and even more so about motherhood, which remains taboo and little discussed. Can you tell us more about this?
Orna Donath
Exactly. We also hear about the regret of not having a child, necessarily associating the woman who has not had a child with a huge regret, as if their life went against the norms and constructed social representations. But it is important to know that motherhood can also lead to distress, feelings of powerlessness, frustration, hostility and disappointment.
This maternal regret that we are talking about is the regret of taking on the role of mother, the role that is assigned to mothers in our society. Women who regret being mothers explain that with what they now know about motherhood, they would not want to have children if they could go back. Women who regret being mothers are not necessarily those who did not want to be mothers and gave in for one reason or another. They are also those who became mothers without question, after having been in a relationship. Or those who wanted to be mothers and who have realised with experience what an upheaval in their lives the arrival of a child causes.
It turns out that these women make a categorical distinction between children and motherhood itself, and it is this motherhood that is the target of their regret.
Announcer
How did you translate maternal regret through these interviews? How did they confide in you?
Orna Dorath
By deciding to take part in this research, the women were taking the first step in expressing their maternal regret on their own: they took the first step on their own. My first question to each participant was: “If you could go back in time with the experience you have today, would you have children? Several women responded that because of the way women without children are perceived in Israel, they would probably have felt a sense of emptiness and loss if they had not become mothers and known what they know today. On the other hand, considering how they have felt since becoming mothers, all the participants answered my question in the negative.
Announcer
In the different interviews you have conducted and that I have read, each woman has a different life, but all of them are united in their regret.
For example, Atalya, divorced, 45 years old, has three teenagers who live with their father. Although she is not intensively involved in childcare on a daily basis, she never forgets for a moment that she is a mother. For her, the transition to motherhood was “automatic”, she had not considered the consequences of having children or not.
Like Atalya, Tirtza, 57 years old, divorced, mother of two and grandmother, does not remember having asked herself whether or not to have children. For her, motherhood was a sort of “natural” consequence of marriage. In response to the question you put to all the participants, she said: “As I always say to my friends, if I had known what I know now, I wouldn’t have had even a quarter of a child. The most painful thing for me is that I can’t go back in time. It’s impossible. It’s irreparable”.
How can this regret for motherhood common to all these women be explained? What could be the reasons for this feeling?
Orna Donath
The reasons are varied, but for some motherhood means that they will have to grieve and give up a life they loved more. This regret may appear for them as soon as their child is born, or even before, or for others several years after becoming mothers. For some, the experience of motherhood is the reliving of their own childhood. I am thinking of a young woman of colour whom I interviewed. During our discussion, she recalled a moment when her daughter told her that her skin colour did not go away when she washed herself during the bath. This young woman made a direct link with the racism she experienced during her own childhood. Motherhood for her echoes her own experiences. So there are various reasons for regretting motherhood, there is no one single reason.
Announcer
But in total, all the women you interviewed in this study feel that the disadvantages of motherhood outweigh the advantages. Many of them say that there is nothing rewarding or pleasant about the experience. However, you make it clear in your study that this does not mean that they do not have feelings of love for their children, it is their feeling of the maternal experience that is at stake for them. This is the distinction you mentioned earlier between children and motherhood itself.
You also note that women who dare to complain about their tasks, responsibilities and roles as mothers still attract opprobrium. The public mention of disastrous maternal experiences is still generally regarded as obscene and may even indicate a pathological condition in the woman.
Orna Donath
Yes, this is it, and in the same way that regret can be seen as a consequence of personal inadequacy, an inability to cope with motherhood in general and the paradigm of the ‘good’, dedicated and competent mother in particular, which tells women to work harder to succeed. The socio-cultural context in which these women live has a lot to do with this. For example, in Israel, it is not acceptable for women to regret motherhood when it is seen as a rewarding and valued experience in Israeli culture.
Announcer
From a psychological point of view now, what kind of care could be envisaged for these mothers? What would you advise them to do?
Orna Donath
Perinatal psychologists have a real role to play. Of course, this depends on the experience of the mother, the age of the child, the situation and the context of the family.
But in fact, the perinatal psychologist makes it possible to involve the other (the partner) and the mother during the prenatal phase, that is to say, the pre-conceptual phase of the child project, and during the pregnancy. The perinatal psychologist also intervenes during the period of childbirth, at birth, and a few months after the birth of the child as well, in various places where (future) mothers can turn to if they have questions. The psychologist, who can also work with the baby, will help to support the identification of the parent(s) to be, the emotional security and mobilise their resources. The psychologist can work on three aspects of parentification, or only some of them with the mother, which are the exercise (form of the family, filiation link), the experience (the parent’s personal experience), and the practice (educational practices and tasks) of parentification. In other words, the psychologist may have an adjusting and balancing function with these women, he will promote emotional release, but also support them emotionally, as well as their self-esteem, etc.
Psychological care and follow-up can be carried out collectively, in the form of a therapeutic workshop or a discussion group with other mothers experiencing the same difficulties. Follow-up can also be done individually, in the form of psychotherapy, to question and understand one’s own experience.
Announcer
There are not yet any clinical studies on the regret of being a mother, so you don’t yet have a lot of hindsight on this regret and the consequences on the mother-child bond, or on the consequences on the child later on. But you talk about the importance of addressing the mother’s personal experience, especially when the child gets older and is able to understand.
That’s the end of this interview for the release of the book “Le mal de mères” by Stephanie Thomas. Thank you again Orna Donath for coming to share with us your study and your knowledge about motherhood regret. It was very enriching, goodbye!
Orna Donath
Please, in the hope that this will give a voice to other women in the same situation. Thank you!
=> To go further if you liked our interview – Podcast “Mal de mères” – Testimonials :