This article is a summary of a conference I attended a few weeks ago. The title of the conference is: “how to be obeyed without shouting and without punishing”.
This conference (followed by a debate) is proposed by the EPSYLON association and is led by two psychologists.
EPSYLON is an association located in Nantes. It contains psychologists, sophrologists, art therapists. This association promotes group psychological support, in the form of psychotherapy, speaking groups, prevention actions, social link, training, conferences, debates or thematic days.
1) A caring education
Ordinary methods of education such as blaming, accusing, devaluing, threatening, giving orders, making negative remarks or lecturing are methods that are harmful to a child’s self-esteem. All “new educational methods” such as positive parenting aim to move from “ordinary educational methods” to a new way of looking at the parent / child relationship. A relationship based on trust, on listening, the goal being to valorize the child, to be clear with him, to adapt to his age and to be constant in the rules of life.
2) The emotional experience and the needs of the child
The characteristics of children’s emotions according to Isabelle Filliozat (from her book “At the heart of children’s emotions”) :
– There are five basics emotions: joy, anger, sadness, disgust and fear
– Emotions are internal sensations that are seen outside
– Emotions are universal
– Emotions are useful
– Animals also have emotions
– Emotions « pass »
– Emotions always come out
– We can experience several emotions at the same time
– Putting words on emotions allows you to control them
It is important to encourage cooperation: the so-called positive discipline aims to establish a parent / child relationship based on benevolence, trust, mutual respect, encouragement, but above all to abandon the power struggle in favor of Cooperation. In addition, this discipline allows to develop self-esteem. Self-esteem is the value that we give ourselves, it allows us to feel secure, to have self-confidence, to know our qualities and our difficulties, to have determination, to feel respected and finally to have a positive self-image.
3) Some examples of tools
The tools can be used at any age, just adapt them to the age of the child.
– Break times: for example in case of anger, the parent and the child are advised to calm down each on their side. We take the time for the emotion to pass and then we find ourselves when the tension has gone down.
– “Return to calm” activities such as massages.
– The wheel of emotions: a wheel divided into several parts (joy, fear, anger, sadness, serenity) on which the child can place himself and put words on how he feels at that time.
– Gestures of affection: hugs, looks, smiles.
– Routines: example of the evening ritual (before bedtime, shower, dinner, reading a book)
– The time dedicated to two: enhance the link, for example playing a game or shopping.
To conclude, psychologists explain that you have to be tolerant, that change can take time and finally that parents have to stop wanting to be perfect parents, you just have to learn to communicate differently.
Words I have learned :
- Caring education = éducation bienveillante
- Lecture = sermonner
- Benevolence = la bienveillance
- The wheel of emotions = la roue des émotions
- Gestures of affection = les gestes d’affection