Written by: Brunet Flore, Crevecoeur Anne-Pascale & Pean Mary
On October 18th, we attended a conference organized by the Epsylon association. Epsylon is an association that act in Nantes and its region. Many professionals such as psychologists, sophrologists, art therapists are mobilized for the well-being of all. Thus, they offer psychosocial support through therapeutic groups with artistic mediation (theater, corporal expression, artwork …). They also provide conferences with different topics as : disability, psycho traumatism, quality of life or aging. Similarly, many weekly workshops or talking groups are organized for people wishing to engage in a therapeutic work. Finally, every year, the association organizes film debates or conferences. This year, the association focuses on the theme of parenthood. Thus, we had the pleasure of attending a conference whose title was: How to be obeyed without shouting and punishing?
The aim of the conference was to provide parents concrete tools. It began with some general reminders, such as the fact that the term stupidity should be taken with caution, because the behaviour emitted by the child always comes to express something. Psychologists also encouraged parents to not mix-up firmness with aggressiveness. They also recalled us that it is important to identify what the child is doing well rather than focusing on what he or she is not doing or doing wrong. The parent needs to not be too demanding: yes, they can demand rigour but be careful not to seek perfection. The speakers relied on several references to support their point. The first part of the conference was based on the theoretical contributions of Isabelle Filliozat. She is a psychotherapist who relies on neurosciences and who is specialized in the areas of positive parenting and emotion management. Her book “Au coeur des émotions” is a bestseller and it was on this last one that the conference was based. The speakers stressed that children’s emotions must always be accompanied by the adult. When the child is overwhelmed by his emotions and the situation becomes tense, the parent must ask himself 7 questions:
- What is his experience? (do not judge his point of view or his reaction)
- What does he say? (Translate his behaviour)
- What message do I want to convey to him?
- Why do I say that/forbid that?
- Do I meet my adult needs? (It is important to take care of yourself and be aware of your limitations. If I perceive that I am reacting in a personal way or that there are too many screams and that it does not solve anything, I step back)
- What is the most important?
- What is my objective?
With regard to the last point, I. Filliozat suggests to encourage the cooperation with his child, while always trying to develop his psychosocial skills, to encourage his autonomy, to value him (which is different from congratulating him, for example: “you used pretty colours” to make the sky, rather than saying “it is a beautiful drawing”)….
During the second part of the conference, psychologists have highlighted many tools (for example “message-je” consists in analysing the situation as follows: what I see/hear, what I feel, what I need, what I offer) and advices such as the wheel of emotions, encouragement, gestures of affection, special times with each of the children… The speakers also mentioned non-violent communication and cited Rosenberg as a reference, without further elaboration. However, it seemed important to us to explain this notion and this book in this article.
The Non-Violent Communication (NVC) is a verbal tool that permits to resolve conflicts amongst two people or a group of people. It is based on empathy, compassion, harmonious cooperation and mutual respect. It is a very old way of communicating that was used by Gandhi but was developed and defined by Marshall Rosenberg who wrote books, made conferences and practices. The NVC forces us to go beyond our first thoughts and take responsibility of our choices and emotions. The main idea is that everything we feel belongs to us and that no-one is responsible for that. It also encourages us to understand others in a non-judgmental way and accept the way people are. The NVC follows a 4 steps process that takes place when we try to clarify what is happening internally when interacting with others without accusing the other person. First, when interacting with someone else, we must Observe (O). It means that we just have an objective point of view of the situation that can be shared with the other person, there is no place for interpretation in that part. Secondly, we must be aware of the feelings and attitudes (F) that the situation awakes in us. Then, we must clarify to the person the needs (N) we have when facing the situation. Finally, after all the previously mentionned steps, the person understands better where we come from and we can do our request (R), that needs to be clear, realisable, concrete and positively formulate. The fact that we mentioned before our feelings and our needs makes everything negotiable.
So, that tool can be use with everyone and in every situation. It is also used in the movement of the kindly education with kids. Parents can proceed with that tool to communicate with their children, so their verbal interactions are respectful and not contentious. For example, a parent who wants their child to clean their things from the living room can ask in a NVC way : “Your things are all around the living room (O), when the room is messy I feel overwhelm (F), I really need to have a clean environment to be relax at night (N), can you tidy your things please (R) ?”. With that example, we can see that the parent asks in a way that the child understand the request. This tool can also be used the other way around, the parent can lead his child to express himself in that way.
Finally, the conference concluded with questions and answers. We were able to observe that most of the spectators were parents concerned with the welfare of their children but also professional who work with young children. At the end we could see that people were very pleased by the tool the conference offered.
Useful words :
To engage in a therapeutic work : s’impliquer dans un travail thérapeutique
Welfare : bien-être
Firmness : fermeté
Aggressiveness : agressivité
Awakes in us: reveille en nous
Bibliography :
Filliozat, I. (2019). Au coeur des émotions de l’enfant: Comprendre son langage, ses rires et ses pleurs. Paris, France : Marabout.
Rosenberg, M. B., Cesotti, A., Secretan, C., & Baut-Carlier, F. (2016). Les mots sont des fenêtres (ou bien ce sont des murs): Introduction à la Communication NonViolente. New York : Editions La Découverte.
Link to Epsylon Facebook’s : https://www.facebook.com/epsylonnantes/